레이블을 달고 산다는것

지금 컴퓨터 앞에 앉아서 모니터만 쳐다보고 있다가 문득 블로그가 생각났다. 아무도 읽어주지 않는 블로그지만 일기장처럼 가끔씩 들여다 보다가 생각나는 말들을 적어본다.

매일매일 일어나는 일들을 일일이 적어보고 싶지만 쉽지않다. 꼭 누가 읽어주길 바래서가 아니다. 이렇게 내 하루 일과, 한달, 일년, 오년, 십년의 일과들을 적다보면 누군가에게 도움이 될만한 얘기하나쯤은 있지 않을까 하는 기대를 해본다.

나는 남자다. 남자를 좋아하는 남자다. 사람들은 그걸 게이라고 부른다. 레이블. 우리말로 명찰, 딱지, 이름, 명칭이다. 지금 남자친구와 5년이 넘게 만나고있다. 나는 아직 서른이 좀 넘었지만 남자친구는 오십을 훌쩍넘긴 중년이다. 캐나다에서 만난 남자친구는 여리고 어려운 사람들을 돕고싶어하는 좋은 사람이다. 이사람과 평생을 함께하고 싶지만 사람이 사람을 좋아하는 일이 이렇게 힘들고 고된일이 될 줄은 정말 상상도 못했다. 매일매일 사랑하는 마음은 누구보다 크다고 장담하지만 힘든일, 나를 좌절하는 만드는일, 사람들이 가끔씩 나를, 우리를 너무 힘들게 한다. 그럴때마다 우린 서로를 보듬으며 더 사랑하고 함께 헤쳐나가려 노력하지만 가끔은 지치는 날도 있다. 이렇게 우린 오년이 넘도록 살고있고 앞으로도 가능하다면 50년을 함께하고 싶다.

내가 얼마나 자주 이 블로그에 글을 남길 수 있을지는 모르겠지만 이렇게라도 글을 남기고 누군가 읽어준다면 감사하게 생각하고 내가 적은 글 몇자가 누군가에게 힘이되고 용기가 되고 희망이 될 수 있다면 나는 정말 행복할것 같다.

나는 어려서 동네 형들이 여자같다고 놀리고 장난치는 틈속에서 혼자 나를 내 마음을 지키려고 노력하면서 살아왔다. 가끔은 형들이 짖꿎은 장난을해도 참고 그로인해 나를 무너지게하지 않으려 감싸고 위로하면서 살아왔다. 형들이 만지고 만져달라고 장난쳐도 그건 그냥 장난이었다. 그렇게 나는 어린시절을 혼란스럽게 보냈다. 그로부터도 초,중,고등학교를 다니면서 줄곳 여자같다는 소리를 들으면서 살아왔다. 여자같다. 여자같다. 여자같다.

여자같은게 뭘까? 나는 내 꼬추가 없었으면 좋다고 생각한 적이 있다? 나는 없다. 나는 내게 주어진것에 감사하고 받아들이 살았다. 나는 지금에와서 생각해도 내가 지금 왜 남자를 좋아하게 된건지 정확히 모르겠다. 사람이 사람을 좋아하는거라고 말한다. 나는 여자를 사랑 할 수도 있다. 하지만 나는 현재 남자와 사랑을 하고있다. 이게 내 어린시절의 영향을 받았는지 아니면 나는 잘못된 몸에서 살고있는건지 모르겠다.

지금 고민하고 있는 모든 어린친구들이 힘들고 혼자서 힘겨운 삶을 살고있을거란 걸 잘 안다. 나는 겪어봤고 그게 얼마나 힘들고 외로운 삶인지 이해한다. 요즘 사회가 변했다고해도 이건 아직 쉽게 드러낼 수 있는 일이 아니다. 나는 그런 어린친구들과 소통하고 얘기하고 싶다. 내가 이렇게 적은 글이 아무에게도 읽히지 않을지도 모른다. 요즘은 사진한장으로 대화하고 5초도 안지나서 잊혀지는 어떻게보면 허무하고 가벼운 세상이 되어가고 있어서 이렇게 지루한 글을 누가 읽어줄까 하는 의심이, 안읽을거란 확인이 있지만 그래도 한번 적어본다.

오늘 너무 힘든일이 있어서 이렇게 혼자 컴퓨터 앞에 앉아서 딴생각을 해보려 노력하다가 글을 남긴다. 나는 게이다. 남자가 남자를 좋아하는 게이다. 지금 이글을 쓰면서도 너무 두렵고 어렵다. 그래도 한번 적어봤다. 누군가 나에게 힘을 얻기를 바라면서..

The Crossroads of SHOULD AND MUST

Seed bought a book called "The Crossroads of SHOULD and MUST" yesterday. We saw this book briefly at Chapters the other day. He loved that the book utilizes its blank space and artistic drawings. That is what he wants to do within his book. Seed is a very creative and artistic man. That is what I think at least. I believe.

After reading this book, I thought about what I am doing now. Here in Canada, as a Korean man, in his thirties, temporarily employed as a server at a Japanese restaurant, with a Caucasian man, without a life goal, without too much money, without passion, without a dream, and a Gay.

When I came back to Canada, I was just happy to be with Seed. That was all I wanted and needed. Once I came back, I only had good days, being able to see Seed every morning, afternoon, and go to bed at the same time, traveling to Europe to visit a friend of Seed, spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with  Seed's friends. I was happy that I make Seed happy. When I saw Seed smiling I became happy. I was living for Seed.

However, being at home, without being able to work and earn money to support myself started frustrate me. I was becoming sensitive about anything because I started doubting myself, questioning my reasons to be here in Canada, away from my family. 'What am I doing?' 'Why am I here?' 'What can I do?' What should I do?' 'What can I do?' 'What am I doing to my parents?' It wasn't that I felt less love to Seed. I became more and more in love with him. I wanted him to be happy and become rich to be able to do things that he missed during his childhood. Thinking that I was being a small part of making him happy made me happy. But I felt that there was something missing.

Seed loves me very much. He tells me that he does every morning, days and night, all day basically. I'm brainstormed that he is in love with me? :) hehe However, I felt an urge to do something for myself, urge to dream of my own, desire to achieve something for myself. Not that I want to be selfish but encourage me to have passion and love for myself.

Even if I work at a Japanese restaurant as a part-time server, before I go to work by 5pm, I was thinking of what Seed should eat for dinner. I spent days to walk around or prepare food for him and go to work after. After I did this day job for a month, I started realizing that I had no food for me after work. I was starving. I was losing weight. I was damaging my body just because I didn't take care of myself. 'what for?' After that I stopped preparing food for Seed and started caring for what I need to eat. I tried to be selfish. Since than, Seed asked me what should eat for dinner, but never asked me what I was going to eat after work. He is a good person. I know that for sure. No doubt. But I thought to myself. 'What should I do?' 'What must I do?'

'What is right?' 'What is wrong?' 'What is selfish?' 'What is caring?'...

My brain is hurting now. I still have no idea of what must be done.

But there is one thing I did. I came back to my Blog. I'm not sure how long I would keep write on this blog but I did. Still has no single idea of what to do or what to write and where to go with this.

SHOULD AND MUST Crossroads.
I've done SHOULDs so I go forward one step further with my first MUST, write a blog.

Keep Trying

Seed just came home from work. He works at a labour agency as a sales and promotion manager. He gets paid fairly okay. Just enough to live. When his editor in Bellinghem responded to his email with the query letter that Seed wrote based on a guideline that the edit gave, Seed got really frustrated. The editor, she told me that it was not very good. Another $50 per hour editing fee? He's already paid enough money to her. Whenever he corrected the mistakes that she thought they were, she sent him emails with invoices, based solely on her own calculation. If she said that she worked on his work for 10 hours, then it is. There was no doubt or argue. Seed trusted his editor. Why wouldn't he? But if she fixes the same chapters over and over again, you may start doubting. I did but Seed did not. He might have been convincing himself that she was trust worthy. He needed to hold onto his belief. That's how he has survived his past. I know and I understand that but it is very hard to witness him everyday trying and trying without a clear outcome.

Seed's labour agency makes money off of daily workers, that are drug addicts and people with conditions. I am not judging them but it is irony that the owner of his company may have to go to a rehab because of his drug addiction. The rich man didn't know how to handle much money other than buying cars, houses and drugs I assume. I don't pity him. I think that he is lucky. Lucky enough that he didn't have to live a life that the people who make him money have to live. Am I making sense? :) Now he wants to make more money by charging workers $3 for renting construction safety gears. "WOW" How creative business model! From a business major perspective, very impressive!! F-him.

Some people may think that I'm just jealous of those rich people. Yes I am jealous. But I am more upset that my boyfriend, Seed, who constantly keeps trying to achieve his dream, can't even afford to buy a ladder to step up. Not even one step up. Isn't Seed trying hard enough? I don't think so. We have been in a relationship for 5 years in 10 days, except 26 months apart because of my army duty in South Korea. While I have know him, he spent  4 to 5 hours working on his books, websites and articles for three years. That is some serious hard work I believe.

He just asked me to come and read his 7th edited query letter. It sounds amazing. It is getting better and better. Now he came to back to who was, enthusiastic, positive and energetic. He keeps trying. I'm relieved. I'm happy and it makes me smile.

I love him very much. He means the World to me. I've never felt this way with anyone. So I hope one day that there is someone who can see his potential. Seed won't turn out to be needing a rehab. He will be able to help people in rehab and who are lost in their lives. His story can. I believe.

Dear, ELLEN Degeneres.

Hi, Ellen.

I don't know how catch your interest with an astonishingly creative hook. English is my second language. But I hope that you may offer a bit of your time and thought for my boyfriend's book. His book is a meta-memoir. He writes about his life story to give people hope and convince people to be kind. The book has a very simple message; be kind to everyone.

He was the youngest among his 6 other siblings, 3 sisters and 3 older brothers. He was raised by his parents who were already in their 60s. Very old to be parents? Seed, my boyfriend, didn't realize the fact that they are older than his friends' parents. He grew up alone, striving to be recognized by his family. It never happened. But he kept trying to be good at everything he did. He was a quarterback in his junior team with one-eye blind. He could manage to memorize the eye chart. His brothers kept him in a closet all day until their mom came home from work, whispering that "Seed, you are not one of us" There was nothing that a 7-year-old boy could do to make his brothers to stop but crying in the closet.

He lost his parents when he was around 25. He was the only son who visited the hospitals for his both parents who had lost the game to Big C. Fucking Big C!! After his mom died, his oldest sister asked Seed to move out of the house because there was a cousin moving in. Seed willingly moved out of the house and pursue his new life in Vancouver BC Canada. He had never been able to have easy days with enough money and people who cared about him. He was the same lonely and striving young man.

At his age 45, he found out the truth. His birth certificate was ripped and he applied for a new certificate. After 2 weeks, the civil servant asked him, "Do you wanna call your parents and ask them who your real parents are? What a fucking bitch!! He phoned his big brother and told him the story. His brother Don told Seed not to phone him anymore. That is the last conversation that Seed had with his "family" He's never been able to find out the truth. Still wondering who he was and why he was here. He took off Vancouver for a 31-day trip to escape to Europe with his best friend Dave. In the middle of his identity searching journey, he found out that his older sister, who was always the mean one, was his mom. But there was no information on his father.

Seed came to the earth in a catholic secret place for single moms in old times. That is how I understood. I don't remember the name of the place. He was going to be on a newspaper for an advertising as a Christmas gift. "Do you want a baby for a Christmas gift?" I still vividly remember the black and white newspaper photo. Three babies on the front page with the question above. I dont even wanna type that horrible question second time. His grand mother took Seed HOME. Real home but under a very dark secret whom everyone agreed upon. Everyone lied a lie.

His book is not just about a tragic childhood. He didn't even realize that he was living in lies. He had a somewhat good life. He had great friends. He had loved ones. However, he always felt that there was something that didn't make sense all the time. He didn't know what it was. He didn't know how to explain. But there was. That's what he tells me now.

I strongly believe that his story is very powerful and worth to be told. Seed is a great story teller. He doesn't like to call himself as a writer. He is but he prefers to be called as a story teller. He is a GOOD person with a warm heart and soul. He is my everything. I want him to have a chance to put his story out there and give positive strength to people who are in need. Everyone has his or her own challenges in his or her lives but we all try to overcome. Seed's book cannot tell you how to overcome those challenges but his book can certainly give all of you strength and feeling of kindness. It teaches you to be kind, just kind, to everyone around you. Seed can be you. You are Seed.

Ellen, please do consider having him in your show. Just for a minute would give him an opportunity to open the door to reach people. Seed is not looking for wealth. He is looking for an approval and recognition. He wants to be heard. He wants to tell stories that we all need to hear. It is a book that is worth, that has meanings. I love him so I may be biased but I also trust him and believe in him.

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Jay Lee

Writing Process

My boyfriend, Seed, writes. He wants to be a professional writer. He is a writer. He just hasn't had the opportunity that other lucky and talented writers had. Seed writes his memoir. What makes his life so interesting that should be written? His life. His challenging life.
Everyone has his or her own challenges in lives. I do too. My boyfriend has lived his life surrounded by liars, lying family members. At he was age 45, he found that his parents who died from Big C, were not his real parents at all. He found out that his oldest sister is his mother. He still has not found out about his father. He tells me that he always felt that there was something missing in his life. Something that does not make sense. Obviously, he's lived in his square life, constantly striving to fit into the round hold of people in general. Am I making any sense? :)

Seed is a good person. A genuine, loving, caring and kind person to everyone. He does not judge people by outside. Since I met him, I have seen him waking up at 4:30 in the morning everyday, come home by 1 or 2 in the afternoon. As soon as he comes home, he changes his clothes and sit down at his computer and edit and edit and edit his book. He had a writers' conference that hosted by a Vancouver based publisher. He paid $600.  He thought it would be worth to spend money. I agreed. When he came back, he was full of disappointment. He came home with a big paper that was filled with thoughts in Sharpies. Brainstorming. I asked him that if he was in an ESL class. He was the only person who had a whole story written. Others only had ideas and thoughts. He told me that there was a lady who wanted to publish a book about her husband, who had Leukemia. He respected that she must had a tremendous courage and strength to write about her husband, slowing fading. I thought it was unfair. I thought she should spend more time with her husband rather than trying to stay away from her husband, hoping to finish a story that might be published. He is still alive. She should focus her love and energy into him not a story. A story can be written at anytime but her husband lives once.

While Seed has been spending so much time to edit his book, he had many frustrations, emotionally and financially. I wish I had rich Chinese parents so that I could just make his path straight and easier. However, we both were just regular, striving people, hoping for a chance. He spent about $7,000 to be edited by a professional, formal college professor. The editor was very encouraging. Almost too encouraging and over praising Seed's work so that I often doubted her purpose of sweet rhetoric. But there was no choice but trusting her words and go further. Go ahead. No time to doubt and hesitate for the dream. That is what Seed did. He finished his editing after 4 months of time, energy, emotion consuming efforts. I am extremely proud of him. He, at the same time, work at his job as a sales and promotion manager in a labour agency. Everyday, he was threatened by drug addict construction daily workers and came home to work on his dream.

All I could do was to bring him tea and snacks in between. English is not my first language so I couldn't even read his work and give him critiques. But I read his story 4 times. Whenever he finished an edit, I read. Recently there was a frustrating news. When he visited the publisher who offered a paid-writers'-conference, he found out that the lady got her book published. Her book? Her book about a dying husband with Leukemia. She had the most bright smile on her face holding a book with a cover of themselves, her husband and herself. How irony. What is she smiling at for?

I am not saying that she should live a sad, depressed, assisting life only for her husband. But I don't think that it is fair that she had a chance to publish her book because her husband happened to have Leukemia. When she came to the conference, she had no idea how to write a book; however, she brought herself there to tell the publisher that her husband is dying and it is worth to write as a book and publish. I see a clear market for this book. But really? What is her intention? Not for me to judge but less than a year, her book's been published. She surely didn't have to keep writing stories and re-organize, edit, recreate stories, edit and more edit. Oh! and do not forget about writing a query letter to catch the eyes of critical agencies. I still remember the publisher's business woman. When Seed handed his naive query letter to her she gave a huge fake smile giving Seed a misinterpreted understanding that she might be interested in his story. At the end of the book fair, Seed told me that he wanted to go talk to the lady one last time. We did. Seed asked about her opinion on the query letter that he gave her. That fucking snobby bitch told Seed that "oh! I did't read it. You got your query letter wrong right off the bat!" Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to spit on that ugly old face but instead I tried to stay calm and not surprised. However, she offered to come to a conference. She told us that it will cost $600 for two days of conference. I didn't know that it was what publishers do but Seed agreed to attend. He did. But no luck.

Now he is writing a query letter. The most frustrating process before you even get a change to publish your book. He gave up on writing and editing many times. He's been working on his change to tell stories for about 5 years now. Still no chance. Not even close. Good story does not lead to good and happy ending result.

My Sister is My Mom. (The truth that set me free)

I want this book to be published and give people positive hopes that life is worth to live and strive for. Seed has proved by trying to survive and fit into now and people. He is still trying. His story is still playing. I want my love to be recognized and rewarded. Not for money or fame but to purely be heard. His story is powerful. He is a kind person. I want him to be happy and there is not much I can do. It frustrates me but I believe that Seed will keep trying. I love.

Buying a new pair of shoes

Okay. Where to begin?
It is April 5th on Sunday. I had a very quiet birthday of mine, my 32nd. It is an easter weekend. I started my birthday-easter weekend by going oit from Thursday night. I had ten shots of vodkas and whiskies and many more beers along with shots. Good day and night with my loving friends.
Of course i ruined the next day. I start my Friday late and hang out more with my other friends but this time it is quiet and relaxed. My bad weekend started after the quiet gathering with my Christian friends. On my way home from friend's, five minutes before I arrive at my apartment's parking, I see a blinking light of a police car. I am thinking that someone is in trouble~HOWEVER, I realize that it is following me. WTF!!! I am on the first lane and slow down my car and stop.
Waiting for the police to get out and knock my window. I pull down my window and the police tells me this. "When you are pulled over, you are supposed to go to the right lane" I am lost. I have lived in Canada for ten years but I dont understand what the police says to me right now."Im sorry sir?" btw..I never use sir. Not even when I have sex with my boyfriend but I did this time. Without a hesitation or with an accent of my Korean. The police tells me again but I cant understand what he is talking about. I have never been this nervous in awhile. I was not even this nervous when I came over to my boyfriend's house for the first time after we talked only on online. The police asks for my license and he leans over into my car. "Who's car is this?" I tell him that it is my boyfriend's car. When he hears it second time, he doesnt even respond to it but tell me that he would be right back. After 10 minutes of a long wait he comes back with a blue paper. He asks for my signature on the bottom of the ticket and I do as I am asked to do. I just got my fucking first speeding ticket two hours before my birthday. I say "thank you" to the police and head home. Im shaking and dont know what to think. 196 dollars. I was running 81km when it was supposed to be 50km. GREAT!!!
When I come home I tell Seed, my boyfriend's nickname, that I got a ticket. He doesnt say much but he tries to calm me down. We have been struggling financially. Seed has a decent paying job but he has recently been paying for his editor. He wants to become a writer and I support his talent and passion. But tonight, I am not much of a help to him. I try to go to sleep but it is very difficult when you think that you are treated unfairly. People may think that it is my fault. Speeding is my fault; however, i remember the officier's face and eyes when a guy says that he was driving his boyfriend's car, he was not the same police who was instructing the driver to pull over on the right side.
I decide to dispute the ticket, hoping for his no-show at the court.
I am now a visitor status, waiting for my paper to arrive. It has been taking longer than it is supposed to be and I have not been able to work for more than a year now. I live off of my boyfriend. He says that he is okay with it. He keeps telling me that he is responsible for my clothes, house and food. I really do appreciate his love; however, it is just me who has never been living off of someone else, other than his parents. I do not spend money eccesively but sometime you just want to be able to spend your own money. Money that you earned. Money that you have to gave up for. Money that makes you bitching, complaining and striving for. I want to work. But I cant risk my immigration process buy working under table.
I used to have ups and downs once in a few months, once in a month, once in a week. Now, I can easily call myself a maniac. My mood changes every hour and minute.
We went out on Sunday to look at a new pair of shoes, running shoes. Ones I have now, i get blisters after running in them. I have been thinking about for months. I mean I have thought about getting a new pair and I had to think about a month to bring it up to my boyfriend. Seed is totally willing to buy a pair for me but it is me, feeling that I suck out his money. When we went to a shoe store, one I liked cost about $140 which I could have bought it without a single ounce of hesitation but I instintly looked at my boyfriend's face and read something that only reflected my interpretation. I instantly got moody. I stopped talking. I kept walking, without looking around. I stopped reacting to Seed's talking. My boyfriend realizes that I am changed but nothing changed.
When we were walking to our car, I could only realize how many BMWs, Lexus, Mercedes, and Porches driving around us. Name the cars. I just didnt list all of them because I dont know how to spell their names. It is a fucking Robson street in Vancouver. You name the car and there is one within a metre around you and the car is driven by a teenage chinese girl or a boy!!! How could they afford it? Not fair? Where are my rich parents? Why arent they rich? What about Seed? What has he been doing? Lottery? Will I ever be able to own one of those? Will I ever be good enough?
Can you imagine how many frustraing, non-answerable questions I was thinking about? I didnt have time to think about the poor. It usually makes me to stay positive and look at bright sides but not on Robson street. All this happened because Seed and I went into a store that sells $140 shoes. Which could be nothing but at the same time it was the most frustrating emotion that I had to overcome in a year.
Today I met my beloving spanish friend who was agreeing with what I went through sincerely. After five days and meeting my genuine friend, I am graduating from the childish emotion. I can now move on because I have been constantly struggling with the similar emotions for a year. Living is hard without rich parents or a lottery winning. Living in Vancouver is hard without being able to buy things you want to own. Living as who I am is hard without an experience.
I am not sure if I am explaing my situation well; however, everyday I am laerning my lessons about life, relationship, finance and myself.