Seed bought a book called "The Crossroads of SHOULD and MUST" yesterday. We saw this book briefly at Chapters the other day. He loved that the book utilizes its blank space and artistic drawings. That is what he wants to do within his book. Seed is a very creative and artistic man. That is what I think at least. I believe.
After reading this book, I thought about what I am doing now. Here in Canada, as a Korean man, in his thirties, temporarily employed as a server at a Japanese restaurant, with a Caucasian man, without a life goal, without too much money, without passion, without a dream, and a Gay.
When I came back to Canada, I was just happy to be with Seed. That was all I wanted and needed. Once I came back, I only had good days, being able to see Seed every morning, afternoon, and go to bed at the same time, traveling to Europe to visit a friend of Seed, spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with Seed's friends. I was happy that I make Seed happy. When I saw Seed smiling I became happy. I was living for Seed.
However, being at home, without being able to work and earn money to support myself started frustrate me. I was becoming sensitive about anything because I started doubting myself, questioning my reasons to be here in Canada, away from my family. 'What am I doing?' 'Why am I here?' 'What can I do?' What should I do?' 'What can I do?' 'What am I doing to my parents?' It wasn't that I felt less love to Seed. I became more and more in love with him. I wanted him to be happy and become rich to be able to do things that he missed during his childhood. Thinking that I was being a small part of making him happy made me happy. But I felt that there was something missing.
Seed loves me very much. He tells me that he does every morning, days and night, all day basically. I'm brainstormed that he is in love with me? :) hehe However, I felt an urge to do something for myself, urge to dream of my own, desire to achieve something for myself. Not that I want to be selfish but encourage me to have passion and love for myself.
Even if I work at a Japanese restaurant as a part-time server, before I go to work by 5pm, I was thinking of what Seed should eat for dinner. I spent days to walk around or prepare food for him and go to work after. After I did this day job for a month, I started realizing that I had no food for me after work. I was starving. I was losing weight. I was damaging my body just because I didn't take care of myself. 'what for?' After that I stopped preparing food for Seed and started caring for what I need to eat. I tried to be selfish. Since than, Seed asked me what should eat for dinner, but never asked me what I was going to eat after work. He is a good person. I know that for sure. No doubt. But I thought to myself. 'What should I do?' 'What must I do?'
'What is right?' 'What is wrong?' 'What is selfish?' 'What is caring?'...
My brain is hurting now. I still have no idea of what must be done.
But there is one thing I did. I came back to my Blog. I'm not sure how long I would keep write on this blog but I did. Still has no single idea of what to do or what to write and where to go with this.
SHOULD AND MUST Crossroads.
I've done SHOULDs so I go forward one step further with my first MUST, write a blog.
